Grateful

I stepped outside into sixty-degree weather this morning, coffee in hand, before Esther was awake. The sun was just rising so it felt earlier than it was (which always makes me feel more disciplined than I really am sometimes). I looked across my front yard, half-mowed because our mower died and strewn with dead leaves. Our porch is covered with the last non-rotted pumpkins, and mums - some still blooming and some half dead. This is hands-down my favorite part of every year - I'm sure I've said it a million times before. When there is a slight chill in the air and the old is giving way to make room for new, I am filled with gratitude.
I have a beautiful family. Esther is healthy and beautiful and loud and independent, and Lee is the best husband and father - ever so patient with both of us. My desire is for a houseful of children, but I am blessed with one. My sister and her kids are close, and while my other siblings aren't close in proximity, they are close in spirit. My parents are happy and close, and I get to see them both often. My in-laws are incredible and we see them weekly (cause they're always giving us some "date" time!). God has been so good.
And He has provided. As much as I'd love a new house, this house is a blessing. The walls are cracking, but they provide warmth and protection. We often bump into each other in the small rooms, but there are only three of us and I don't really mind bumping into either one. Our house sits on a friendly, safe street with kind neighbors. Both of us are in reliable cars, with working air AND heat. I can't even begin to express my thankfulness for our "new" car - what a tremendous blessing to be in something so nice! And we both have jobs. Lee has worked hard and is in the middle of a residency specialty that he genuinely enjoys, coupled with fellow residents who are fun and easy to work alongside. I have a job that allows me to spend more time with Esther than most, for which I am so grateful. We aren't regulars at Shapley's, but we certainly aren't hungry. God has blessed us.
We are surround by friends. We have an incredible church that is growing and changing and we get to be a part of it! We have old, older, and oldest friends through our church, each a blessing in so many different ways. We have friends that help babysit, friends that help with yard work, friends that encourage and friends that pray. On top of all this, we have so many other friendships outside of church: our "group" that gets together to play, work friends, travel friends, old friends and new friends. These friends have helped us through financial crisis, unemployment, spiritual and emotional crisis and loneliness. They make us laugh, and they allow us to grieve with them. They challenge our thinking and encourage our spiritual growth.
 God has made our cups overflow.
I am so grateful for God's blessings. He has extended his grace to us, which is miraculous. Then He has added blessings, which is humbling. I have done nothing to deserve any of these things. And I know that bad things will happen. My prayer is that when they do, I remember how good God is, all the time. Who am I to question His plan? If I am sent to the far corners of the earth, alone, hungry and cold, my cry today is that I will remember: God is good. All the time.

Trying to be IN the moment (and not cleaning, planning or organizing it)

Our only little girl turned two this summer, and she amazes me. New words are discovered hourly, she's learning to put together sentences, she can even identify colors! This has always been my favorite age, because its an age of absolute dependence AND initial stages of independence. "Inna dewit (I wanna do it)" is a phrase we hear very often. She's full of both, too. She wants to do (or try) everything on her own. She doesn't like to be fed anymore or changed. But the second she is hurt or too tired to care, she comes running to "Momma" or "Diddy" so we can "nuggle." I love those moments. And I love to see her insert her big girl self into everyday moments.

Esther pulling "Ishak"

Esther pushing a Kroger cart

It occurred to me how life is full of these "opposite" moments, and how often I miss them. There have been several times in the past few weeks when I so badly wanted to freeze life and just stay there a while. Those moments when I'm tickling Esther to the point of her doing this wonderful giggle, and when I stop she looks at me then pulls my face back down to kiss and tickle some more. Those moments when she climbs in my lap to "weed Momma, weed!"  I am filled with joy and heartache at the same time, for I know these moments won't last much longer. I watch her sometimes and feel like almost like I'm watching these precious moments slip right through my fingers. I want to never forget what her little girl skin feels like, what her giggle sounds like, or how she kisses (usually she'll only give a kiss if I'm leaving...but I'll take it!). And at the same time, in the same exact moment, I can't help but be anxious to see what kind of person she'll be. Will she always be independent? Will we be close? Will she come to love Christ at an early age? Will she be best buds with people we know now? I'm nervous and excited all at once. And sad that it will all come so quickly.

Where did she learn to take pictures like this??

Other areas of like are like that too. Lee and I can see the light of graduation just a year and a half away. He's been in school our entire marriage thus far, and its finally coming to an end. We may be able to move into a house that's not falling down around us - a house where we don't bump into each other just washing dishes. A house with more than one toilet (can you hear the angels singing?). A little piece of earth so I can finally have my "farm" (really just open areas big enough for blueberry bushes and flowers). And as exciting as that is to think about, our lives now are small and precious and sweet. We live on a neighborly street lined with old houses and old, dear friends. When we go for walks, we can pass family, close friends, college roommates and church members within a half mile of our house. I want to stay here forever, with so many people I love so close. And I also can't wait to move.

My prayer life is the same kind of oxymoron of itself. I have so many things to share, confess, ask of God, one of which is inevitably to show me His will and plan. And I rarely remember to stop talking and listen. "Be still and know that I am the Lord your God." I want to be fully attentive and focused on God when I am spending my time with Him. I want to be still. In the moment. And I can feel these moments slipping away...these sweet, timely moments.