Grateful

I stepped outside into sixty-degree weather this morning, coffee in hand, before Esther was awake. The sun was just rising so it felt earlier than it was (which always makes me feel more disciplined than I really am sometimes). I looked across my front yard, half-mowed because our mower died and strewn with dead leaves. Our porch is covered with the last non-rotted pumpkins, and mums - some still blooming and some half dead. This is hands-down my favorite part of every year - I'm sure I've said it a million times before. When there is a slight chill in the air and the old is giving way to make room for new, I am filled with gratitude.
I have a beautiful family. Esther is healthy and beautiful and loud and independent, and Lee is the best husband and father - ever so patient with both of us. My desire is for a houseful of children, but I am blessed with one. My sister and her kids are close, and while my other siblings aren't close in proximity, they are close in spirit. My parents are happy and close, and I get to see them both often. My in-laws are incredible and we see them weekly (cause they're always giving us some "date" time!). God has been so good.
And He has provided. As much as I'd love a new house, this house is a blessing. The walls are cracking, but they provide warmth and protection. We often bump into each other in the small rooms, but there are only three of us and I don't really mind bumping into either one. Our house sits on a friendly, safe street with kind neighbors. Both of us are in reliable cars, with working air AND heat. I can't even begin to express my thankfulness for our "new" car - what a tremendous blessing to be in something so nice! And we both have jobs. Lee has worked hard and is in the middle of a residency specialty that he genuinely enjoys, coupled with fellow residents who are fun and easy to work alongside. I have a job that allows me to spend more time with Esther than most, for which I am so grateful. We aren't regulars at Shapley's, but we certainly aren't hungry. God has blessed us.
We are surround by friends. We have an incredible church that is growing and changing and we get to be a part of it! We have old, older, and oldest friends through our church, each a blessing in so many different ways. We have friends that help babysit, friends that help with yard work, friends that encourage and friends that pray. On top of all this, we have so many other friendships outside of church: our "group" that gets together to play, work friends, travel friends, old friends and new friends. These friends have helped us through financial crisis, unemployment, spiritual and emotional crisis and loneliness. They make us laugh, and they allow us to grieve with them. They challenge our thinking and encourage our spiritual growth.
 God has made our cups overflow.
I am so grateful for God's blessings. He has extended his grace to us, which is miraculous. Then He has added blessings, which is humbling. I have done nothing to deserve any of these things. And I know that bad things will happen. My prayer is that when they do, I remember how good God is, all the time. Who am I to question His plan? If I am sent to the far corners of the earth, alone, hungry and cold, my cry today is that I will remember: God is good. All the time.

Trying to be IN the moment (and not cleaning, planning or organizing it)

Our only little girl turned two this summer, and she amazes me. New words are discovered hourly, she's learning to put together sentences, she can even identify colors! This has always been my favorite age, because its an age of absolute dependence AND initial stages of independence. "Inna dewit (I wanna do it)" is a phrase we hear very often. She's full of both, too. She wants to do (or try) everything on her own. She doesn't like to be fed anymore or changed. But the second she is hurt or too tired to care, she comes running to "Momma" or "Diddy" so we can "nuggle." I love those moments. And I love to see her insert her big girl self into everyday moments.

Esther pulling "Ishak"

Esther pushing a Kroger cart

It occurred to me how life is full of these "opposite" moments, and how often I miss them. There have been several times in the past few weeks when I so badly wanted to freeze life and just stay there a while. Those moments when I'm tickling Esther to the point of her doing this wonderful giggle, and when I stop she looks at me then pulls my face back down to kiss and tickle some more. Those moments when she climbs in my lap to "weed Momma, weed!"  I am filled with joy and heartache at the same time, for I know these moments won't last much longer. I watch her sometimes and feel like almost like I'm watching these precious moments slip right through my fingers. I want to never forget what her little girl skin feels like, what her giggle sounds like, or how she kisses (usually she'll only give a kiss if I'm leaving...but I'll take it!). And at the same time, in the same exact moment, I can't help but be anxious to see what kind of person she'll be. Will she always be independent? Will we be close? Will she come to love Christ at an early age? Will she be best buds with people we know now? I'm nervous and excited all at once. And sad that it will all come so quickly.

Where did she learn to take pictures like this??

Other areas of like are like that too. Lee and I can see the light of graduation just a year and a half away. He's been in school our entire marriage thus far, and its finally coming to an end. We may be able to move into a house that's not falling down around us - a house where we don't bump into each other just washing dishes. A house with more than one toilet (can you hear the angels singing?). A little piece of earth so I can finally have my "farm" (really just open areas big enough for blueberry bushes and flowers). And as exciting as that is to think about, our lives now are small and precious and sweet. We live on a neighborly street lined with old houses and old, dear friends. When we go for walks, we can pass family, close friends, college roommates and church members within a half mile of our house. I want to stay here forever, with so many people I love so close. And I also can't wait to move.

My prayer life is the same kind of oxymoron of itself. I have so many things to share, confess, ask of God, one of which is inevitably to show me His will and plan. And I rarely remember to stop talking and listen. "Be still and know that I am the Lord your God." I want to be fully attentive and focused on God when I am spending my time with Him. I want to be still. In the moment. And I can feel these moments slipping away...these sweet, timely moments.



A Year At Home

This week marks one whole year that I've been a stay-home mom. Well...that I have not been employed full-time somewhere. Somewhere that pays money. I fully believe that without reflection on where we've been - even if it sometimes means drudging up difficult memories or painful choices or more of a learning curve than we'd like to admit - without keeping in mind those times, the hard lessons learned will be all too quickly forgotten. So I have been reflecting on the past year. On the struggles I (and we) have been through, and on the lessons learned, the joys shared, and the tears cried - both happy and sad.
I have missed working in an office, with adults and friends and challenges. I have missed earning a paycheck. I have missed the fulfillment that came from working a long day and reaping the reward. And then I learned that I was finding fulfillment in working a long day and reaping a monetary reward. Lesson #1: Find my fulfillment in Christ alone. For me, it was a lesson I think I could only truly learn when my "fulfillment" cup was empty. And empty it was. I was home, with my one child that didn't require all my attention, earning zip, zero, nada dinero. And I felt useless, bored, listless. I had so much free time and still felt unproductive. Please don't misunderstand - there were tons of household projects I could and should have been doing - organizing drawers, deep cleaning things, getting in marathon shape. But I started my time at home embarrassed that I was at home, bitter that I wasn't reaching my income potential, and stupefied that I felt busy but unproductive!

 



Then came lesson #2: HUMILITY. Woof. We actually studied humility in our small group, and it was like a personal lesson. For some reason, I didn't have job offers waiting on me when I quit my job. I even got turned down for a job! The nerve. And I couldn't compete with the exhaustion/business of any moms I knew - I only had one child. I didn't even have one on the way. We underestimated our expenses, so money became an issue and I wasn't contributing.  My husband likes to (lovingly) tease me about being an "independent woman," and I am of that mindset so much of the time. But I wasn't now. Totally dependent on him for living expenses. Totally dependent on Christ for strength, direction, for even the smallest provision. And above all - for forgiveness. I learned, above all other lessons, that I am proud. The proudest. And yet, I am as filthy as rags. As bad as the worst person out there. And it wasn't after I realized my filthiness and begged for forgiveness that Christ decided He'd come down from heaven and die for me. Nope. It was while I was still filthy. While I was still a sinner. Oh, the humility that accompanies that full realization!
Lesson #3: Trust in God. He's my only salvation. Not only were there several moments where we had to trust that God would provide, but I had to trust that God had a plan for my life! And I'm not talking about the big picture kind-of life, but the day-to-day life. As in, what am I going to do tomorrow, or how am I going to pay the electric bill? I have a lovely picture of my distant life...which I'm sure I'll look back and laugh at. But I was worried about a job, about groceries, about how I could be a better wife/mother/sister/daughter/friend with no money. And the amazing thing is - He always comes through. Sometimes in small ways, like with a text from a random friend who just happens to be going through something too. And sometimes in big ways, like a gift certificate from a friend for a date night, or leaving a friend's house with three meals of food from her garden!

All this to say, this year has been a HARD one. Its been long and tearful, full of incredible lessons and joys. For those out there trying to decide to stay home with their children or work - I don't envy you! Its an incredibly difficult decision that I respect 1000 times more than I used to. I love my family more than I ever have, and I am humbled by a God who loved me at my worst and still chose to save me. What a year! If you've been a part of it, THANK YOU. For those I've said good-bye to, I miss you and I am praying for you all the time.

Lately

I've heard from a few people (well, my mom and one other person) that I need to blog more, so that leads me to believe one thing: the blog actually gets read by my mom and at least one other person.

Our lives have been the least busy they've ever been these past few weeks. This little booger keeps me hopping, from the time she gets up until we say a good-night prayer and lay her down, but generally speaking, our days are easy and restful.

We said a very sad but proud farewell to this little guy (and his parents):

We do get to have weekly facetime chats with them all the way across the world!  Avery turns one this month, and even though he and Eric and Katie are far away, we love that they are so selflessly obedient. So stinkin proud of them!

Easter was very fun this year. Esther had several chances to gather eggs. I refuse to say "hunt" when all she has to do is walk around...she should expect a challenge next year.

Mimi made special efforts for Easter outfits this year, and everyone was dressed beautifully.

Lee was gracious enough to let me keep my annual beach trip with Toni, and it was a much anticipated girl time.  I. love. this girl!!

As soon as I got back from the beach, I decided to tackle potty training.  It did not go well. On the third day of very little success and LOTS of messes, I gave up. We'll try again when Esther shows the least bit interest.  So far she's only interested in unrolling the toilet paper.

We had lunch with Mimi for Mother's Day, and we have so enjoyed all the extra time we've had with her lately!  I'm also realizing more and more that I am JUST like her. (Tip: Only I am allowed to admit that.)

We've had several birthday parties for friends, and Esther has attended all in true girly style. It cracks me up how prissy she is.

We had the chance to be at the hospital to welcome a new friend, Mason Marie! We have already had fun loving on "baybie," and can't wait for more snuggle time this summer!

After last year's water terrors, I was a little nervous about Esther's reaction to the pool this summer. This about sums it up:

She loves the water! We have a blow-up pool in the back yard that she loves, and she is fearless at Mimi's "big pool." She jumps off the edge without hesitation, and she can spend hours jumping off the steps and "swimming" (floating while I pull her) back. I'm so glad, especially since its already unbearably hot.

The best part about my being home is all the cousin time we get. The Renicks are in perfect walking distance, and I love how often we get to see them. Esther and Lyza Claire are in the same class at church, and it has only increased their fondness for each other. Its wonderful to know Esther has four loving cousins so close, and I LOVE having my big sister as a neighbor. She has become my closest friend, my shoulder to cry on and my confidant. I'm so thankful for her and her littles.

More to come later, but this should catch "both" of my readers up!

My Prayer for Esther

We love Shane and Shane music, Lee especially.  Its incredibly worshipful, full of truth and raw, gut-wrenching questions and answers about God's love.  I was home with Esther today, listening to Pages while cleaning and thinking about what the future holds for my bright-eyed little girl.  Those are the kind of thoughts that seem to randomly and constantly pop into my head these days.  I wonder what she'll say when she starts using "real" words.  I think about what school will be like for her (I already know I'll be that mom that cries HARD her first day), and if she'll be tested for the gifted class...since I'm convinced she's a genius.  I wonder if she'll like art and music, or lean more toward math and science like her daddy.  I can't decide what activities, if any, we should enroll her in, or allow her to participate in when she asks...or what we should go ahead with before she asks.  I wonder if she'll have a best friend that she sticks with through thick and thin, or if she'll have different groups of friends that come and go.  I wonder if she'll take an early interest in boys and how I'm going to be able to talk her into just having "special friends" until she's 30.  Will she roll her eyes when I try to share my heart, or my experiences like I did?  Will we be friends?  Will she feel safe at home, or will she rebel?
But mostly I wonder about her heart.
One of my favorite songs on the Pages album is "Embracing Accusation."  The chorus sings,

"The Devil is preaching the song of the Redeemed

That I am cursed and gone astray

I cannot gain salvation

Embracing accusation"

It talks about the Father of Lies, and I think about all the lies I've believed in my life.  And I wonder about all the lies Esther will hear.  What will she believe?  Will she believe she must be a certain size to be beautiful? Will she believe she must act a certain way to be loved?  Will she believe Satan when he whispers in her ear to be unfaithful to truth?  Will she believe him when she feels guilty, and he tells her she is TOO guilty to be forgiven?  Will she know who her Savior is?  Will she love Him and seek Him?  Will she follow Christ, or will she believe the Father of Lies?  
Oh! How my heart aches for my little girl! That I could give her my knowledge and hard lessons learned of Jesus' sacrifice, of His unfathomable love for her, of God's unimaginable plan for her life! How can I show her how to trust, believe, and love?  (Always immediately following this thought is conviction - can I show her if I am not 100% trusting, believing and loving?)
The end of this song is amazing:

"The Devil's singing over me an age old song

That I am cursed and gone astray

Singing the first verse so convincingly over me

He's forgotten the refrain:

Jesus Saves!!"

I always want to stand in the middle of the house with my hair brush microphone and rock this last part out. I want to shout it out! Mostly, I want to somehow transfer this particular piece of knowledge to my little girl's heart.  "Esther!!  Jesus loves you! So much so that he DIED for you!  Let Him be your hero, your strength. Cry to Him when you are sad and run like crazy to Him when your heart gets broken. Let Him comfort you.  Hide under His wings!"  My tears always fall quickly at these thoughts, at this prayer. For I know that Esther can make none of these decisions without knowing Christ, without being drawn to Him.  And so my prayer for my little girl isn't beauty, popularity, nor talent.  Its not that she'll have incredible ability.  I don't even pray that she'll never get her heart broken, because I know some of the most glorious truths are learned from heartache (though I know my own will break alongside hers).  My prayer is that her heart be drawn to Christ at a tender age, and that she never turn away.  My prayer is that I will finally learn to trust, believe and pray...and that when I do, my daughter will notice.

This Old House

This house is our house, our home, our thorn, our blessing. I bought this house before we married, but Lee has always been the muscle behind it.  From day one, he's helped with all the renovation, projects and improvements.

But this house is more than the roof over our heads.  This house is where Lee and I discussed our future.  Its where Lee proposed and afterward, where we sat together and called our friends and family to share our excitement.  This house is where we planned our wedding and discussed our pre-marital counseling. After our wedding, this house is where we came home to.

It was in this house that Lee announced he wanted to go to medical school, and this house is where we lived for aaaaaall the years of his school.  It was in this house where we laughed and cried with so many friends, and with each other.

We bought our first piece of furniture for this living room, our first (and second) replacement appliance, our first Christmas tree for the first of many family celebrations.

This one, very small bathroom is where we waited for the results of so many pregnancy tests, and where I woke Lee up early that one morning when it was finally positive.  And it was this small bedroom where we set up a nursery.

It was here that we brought Esther home from the hospital.  And it was this house where we rocked and fed and fell in love with a beautiful baby girl.

It is this front yard that I've mowed countless times, planted flowers that have died and died and died.  The back yard is what inspired this blog in the first place, with my first and second attempts at a garden (both failures...0-2 on growing vegetable provisions for my family).

Then the Walker men built me a deck in the back yard, which only increased the guys' nights, afternoons of reading and mornings of playtime.
   This house, that totally shifts every few years, causing deeper splits, new wall cracks, and a continuously steeper downhill slope. This house that is so small sometimes I can't spread my arms without knocking something over.  This house that has one, VERY small bathroom.  All - er, both - our faucets leak and at least one part of the floor in every room creaks.  You have to pull out and out and sometimes put some shoulder muscle into shutting the doors.

The closets are more like slightly deep doorways, and the ceilings are so low that I can touch them.  And I'm pretty short. The front lawn has a dead patch where nothing grows, not even transplanted grass. The yard on both sides of the house grows weeds but no grass, and seems to be a magnet for clay, standing water and dead leaves.
   This house, this yard - these walls and floors and windows and doors - this house has contained our lives for these 9 years. If it had a soul, we could call it a witness to our lives.  I hate this house on days, and I love it on others.  But no matter what day it is, I am grateful for this house.  I am grateful for our one bathroom, for our creaking floors and cracked walls, and for our patchy grass.  I am grateful for our door that sticks, our cozy living room and the "study" that got Lee through med school. I am incredibly grateful for this house, this old, lovely house.

Family Christmas

This year was the year to celebrate at Mimi's house.  Before Karla and Joel and Abe came into town, we all had a lunch at Mimi's house, where Mimi wanted a picture of the grandchildren.  This is about how that went:

It was too close to nap time and/or lunch for everyone to smile all at once.  So Mimi decided to jump in, and then Rob.

Then the Sarmientos came into town, and things only got better.  We ate together and played together.  On Christmas Eve, we all met at Mimi's for breakfast snacks, lots and lots of gifts, and a massive lunch.  It was chaotic, fun, and priceless.  There were little excited people everywhere, and their joy was contagious.  Of course, it was too hectic for us to remember to take ANY pictures...but it was wonderful.  Mimi and Papa Rob are the "hostess(es) with the mostess!"

Vintage Christmas Party

The Sanfords decided to throw a vintage Christmas party this year, and it was...amazing.  Aimee did a fantastic job with the snacks and drinks - and she pulled out all the fancy dishes and recipes:

They even had special drinks for toasts - just like in the good 'ol days!

The best part (for the girls anyway) was that we all got to dress up vintage, too.  Everyone went the extra mile, obtaining or fixing dresses to make them look old fashioned.

We even played a fun game of "3 in a cup," a mixture of charades and word games.  So fun.  Especially with this group.  We were busy playing, so we didn't get many pictures, but Lee managed to capture a couple of good moments:

It was such a good night, and the Sanfords were wonderful hosts! It was a fun idea, and Aimee made it real.  I love our friends.