A Year At Home

This week marks one whole year that I've been a stay-home mom. Well...that I have not been employed full-time somewhere. Somewhere that pays money. I fully believe that without reflection on where we've been - even if it sometimes means drudging up difficult memories or painful choices or more of a learning curve than we'd like to admit - without keeping in mind those times, the hard lessons learned will be all too quickly forgotten. So I have been reflecting on the past year. On the struggles I (and we) have been through, and on the lessons learned, the joys shared, and the tears cried - both happy and sad.
I have missed working in an office, with adults and friends and challenges. I have missed earning a paycheck. I have missed the fulfillment that came from working a long day and reaping the reward. And then I learned that I was finding fulfillment in working a long day and reaping a monetary reward. Lesson #1: Find my fulfillment in Christ alone. For me, it was a lesson I think I could only truly learn when my "fulfillment" cup was empty. And empty it was. I was home, with my one child that didn't require all my attention, earning zip, zero, nada dinero. And I felt useless, bored, listless. I had so much free time and still felt unproductive. Please don't misunderstand - there were tons of household projects I could and should have been doing - organizing drawers, deep cleaning things, getting in marathon shape. But I started my time at home embarrassed that I was at home, bitter that I wasn't reaching my income potential, and stupefied that I felt busy but unproductive!

 



Then came lesson #2: HUMILITY. Woof. We actually studied humility in our small group, and it was like a personal lesson. For some reason, I didn't have job offers waiting on me when I quit my job. I even got turned down for a job! The nerve. And I couldn't compete with the exhaustion/business of any moms I knew - I only had one child. I didn't even have one on the way. We underestimated our expenses, so money became an issue and I wasn't contributing.  My husband likes to (lovingly) tease me about being an "independent woman," and I am of that mindset so much of the time. But I wasn't now. Totally dependent on him for living expenses. Totally dependent on Christ for strength, direction, for even the smallest provision. And above all - for forgiveness. I learned, above all other lessons, that I am proud. The proudest. And yet, I am as filthy as rags. As bad as the worst person out there. And it wasn't after I realized my filthiness and begged for forgiveness that Christ decided He'd come down from heaven and die for me. Nope. It was while I was still filthy. While I was still a sinner. Oh, the humility that accompanies that full realization!
Lesson #3: Trust in God. He's my only salvation. Not only were there several moments where we had to trust that God would provide, but I had to trust that God had a plan for my life! And I'm not talking about the big picture kind-of life, but the day-to-day life. As in, what am I going to do tomorrow, or how am I going to pay the electric bill? I have a lovely picture of my distant life...which I'm sure I'll look back and laugh at. But I was worried about a job, about groceries, about how I could be a better wife/mother/sister/daughter/friend with no money. And the amazing thing is - He always comes through. Sometimes in small ways, like with a text from a random friend who just happens to be going through something too. And sometimes in big ways, like a gift certificate from a friend for a date night, or leaving a friend's house with three meals of food from her garden!

All this to say, this year has been a HARD one. Its been long and tearful, full of incredible lessons and joys. For those out there trying to decide to stay home with their children or work - I don't envy you! Its an incredibly difficult decision that I respect 1000 times more than I used to. I love my family more than I ever have, and I am humbled by a God who loved me at my worst and still chose to save me. What a year! If you've been a part of it, THANK YOU. For those I've said good-bye to, I miss you and I am praying for you all the time.